A couple of lines for the night sky

Why can't you hear the answers in the wind
as it whips by
as you strain your ears,

listening,

to the whispers and traces,
pregnant and unyielding;

as your mind aches for what it will never know
as your heart aches for what it can only dream.

On Writing

I feel like it's been such a long time since I've written, and I am full of things to say. However, the words feel trite, the lessons feel to oft learned, and the message is not truly what I am feeling.

Writing is a path to discovery, especially in a space such as this. Sometimes I think we can get so focused on the reader that we get wrapped up in the message for others and not the journey that writing itself takes us on. Sometimes when I walk out my apartment, I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I know I'm gonna take the trip anyway. The destination, sometimes, is part of the surprise and not knowing its true form can give me the objectivity to really interact with and experience the moments on the way.

Sometimes, especially is school, everything is so focused on the conclusion - on one distinctly clear point that the art of research is lost, the purpose of academia is bypassed in a desire to prove a single point. I don't want to read a paper that feels bullet-pointed. The author hasn't taken me anywhere, hasn't made me feel the impact of his research, hasn't given me a glimpse of what led him or her into this subject, no. No, they have handed me a checklist and said this is what I want you to take out of this, this and nothing else. It is cold and calculated and sometimes self-defeating. Why don't authors want to engage their readers? How can you engage a reader if you do not engage yourself?

Why are tangential points so irrelevant now? Who decided their fate? Wrote their epitaph?

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I am just surrounded by people who do not see the art of writing in the same manner as myself. I am reminded time and again all the reasons I am a "bad" writer, while I struggle to understand their concept of good.

What is there left to do when the art of discovery is lost, when all is preordained, and merely a means of conducting an already realized conclusion with no aside to honor the path there? Is the scenic route so very painful that it can only exist in literature?

Maybe this is why I am so different from my "peers". When people ask me what I want to do with my degree, literally I want to say, "well, whatever my degree wants to do with me." I don't have a five-year plan. Or a ten-year plan. I don't know what I want to do. I haven't the slightest clue. In many ways I'm still discovering what it is I enjoy. Its so strange to me that of all places, graduate school which is based on research and discovery has so much of a focus on where you should be in the next five years. It frustrates me that I want to be able to actually read a passage, enjoy it, discuss it, maybe write a free-form response to it without actually developing a thesis based totally on the arguments of secondary sources. Why is it that I am not allowed to have an opinion that is not backed up by books and journal articles of other scholars? Is there a proper forum for insightful discussion if not in the classroom?

My Muse

Today, for the first time ever, I was literally so scared of being called on in class that I was worried I would throw up. I have never (ever) had such a moment. I think that I was able to zone in on the problem: I am not smart at this school.

Now, this is not a comparative statement. I am not saying that I am somehow not capable of the same intellectual prowess as the other students. I am not saying that the caliber of school prevents me from figuratively flexing my intellectual muscle.

What I mean is that whatever... inspiration, clarity of thought, muse… that was responsible for helping me to be the "intellectual" that I could be in undergrad, is no longer present. Its strange, I'm used to reading something and naturally having questions. I am used to having a viewpoint to add to a discussion, even if I never actually voice it. I am used to being able to formulate a reasonably intelligent answer to a question at the drop of a hat. I am used to being able to think about a concept, mentally dissect it, rearrange it, put it back together in a new way to see if it still works.

Now I sit baffled, surprised by every coherent point offered on a subject. I hear conclusions that are in no way difficult to come by and am confused by the amount of time it takes me to digest it and how easily I am turned around by adding just a few bullet points. At first I thought it was caused by a change in subject matter. However, after a few months it is clear that these are areas I should be versed in, areas that I have had previous classes in, areas that I have personally researched and analyzed. My erratic mental behavior is not a result of an overwhelming amount of new information.

It is possible that I have developed a mental roadblock, possibly as a result of the sudden upheaval and rearranging of my life, possibly not. Maybe my personal dissatisfaction is preventing me from being who I normally am. Maybe there are a variety of other reasons that can explain my inability to access the thought process I have relied on my entire life.

What I do know is that every school related task has taken on a new (and scary) form. I feel like I am attacking every project without even the basic tools. The upside is that it makes me prepare harder for everything I work on. The downside is everything else.

All the work I do is sub-par. I have not had anything near an original thought since I arrived here. I can read passages of text that at one point inspired entire research projects and not even process the meanings, much less extrapolate any information from it.

I recently has a study group to discuss a philosophical piece I was familiar with. There are very few times in my life where I can claim to have read something and felt mentally blank when I finished. Sure, there are many times where you may feel like you have nothing of worth to say or may not want to share your response, but to truly have no response? To compound this, discussion itself doesn’t spark any thoughts about the subject at hand.

As a result of all of these things I find myself turning into a clown. I am the person who will turn everything into a joke to hide the dearth of information. This is the most gratingly irritating thing to ever find yourself becoming. Its not being the clown, humor is quite fun. It is the use of humor to hide being an academic cripple.

I don't feel like I lack knowledge itself, it is more of a loss to actually be able to use knowledge in the manner needed for this line of work.

In short, I feel broken.

Are all Homecomings this happy?

So… I feel like this is a child I have been neglecting for the last couple of months. I've been neglectful in the hope that if I didn’t document my feelings about "graduate school" that maybe these feelings wouldn’t take root.

Classes start tomorrow. Never in my life have I been as apathetic as I am right now about a course of study. The start of class has always led to some measure of excitement about the new beginning, the new topics, new people. Right now I'm more content with laying in bed than going back to that place.

Maybe I am studying the wrong thing, maybe I'm studying in the wrong place, maybe I'm just in a bit of a rut. I don't know. As it stands I've considered dropping out and going to law school; dropping out and switching to public policy; dropping out and going into educational policy; dropping out and going into urban planning; getting my masters and then getting a doctorate in American Govt. Most likely though I'm just gonna be lazy and depressed about it and stay here. And that's the really sad part.

I'm not sure when I became so apathetic about directing my own life. There was some point where I was an absolute control freak and if I felt like something was "happening" of its own accord then I was duty bound to cut it out of my life. There must have been some sort of catalyst that stopped this. Maybe at some point I realized life does just happen of its own accord and I took that to an extreme. It's possible.

I'd love to end this with some sort of mantra, maybe a hopeful promise for the future, possibly the all-important NEW YEARS RESOLUTION, but no such luck. To be absolutely honest with myself (which is probably what started the whole apathy trend, life was easier to work with when I was lying to myself) I don’t think I know what makes me happy anymore. I'm scared to start a new path because I fear finding out that I'll have the same attitude towards it as I do to the one I am on now. What do you do then? I am not the sort to jump aimlessly from one thing to another in the search of fulfillment. More likely I'll jump to something that leads to a hefty salary and happily stay there while I try to sort things out (being rich makes being crazy much more comfortable).

However, it is a new year. And though the concepts of time still elude me, (If it is 9:00 in Chicago, it should be 9:00 in NJ. I feel like some sort of strange twilight zone episode every time I'm on the phone with someone on the east coast. Maybe it's just me.) I assume there is some logic to trying something new. And to that, I guess I can say that if something new approaches me I can look at it from the non-skeptical viewpoint first (even though I think a healthy bit of skepticism and doubt is important) and go from there.

Well… maybe the a slightly less skeptical viewpoint will suffice. (Old habits usually don't die hard, they just don't die.)

Divorce

So picking a grad school is quite similar to a marriage. You spend tons of time beforehand going through the pros and cons of attending there. You plan an entire revamp of your life with this school as the new focus, you prepare to move to a new location, your signature now includes a title from this new school. You pretty much agree to have the name of this school attached to your name for the rest of your natural life.

Well I want a divorce...

You know that saying that people are on their best behavior while they are dating? Well surprise surprise, living together for a couple months pre - wedding vows / enrollment papers, would've been eye opening. We surely would've never made it to the altar had I known their daily tendencies, incessant quirks, unreasonable selfishness, inability to compromise, and a whole host of other problems that makes any sort of commitment with them seem like a ball and chain.

Now, usually when you enter into such a bad marriage, you want to be able to have the at leasts:

At least we're wealthy and I have enough money to live comfortably...
At least it was a marriage of prestige, I might not like you but boy does your name open doors...
At least your family is well connected, I might resent you but I can at least get in good with them and use that for all it's worth...

And even if there are no at leasts, you get the Well Evens:

Well even though this is hell on the surface, deep down I still remember why I married you...
Well even though you treat me like crap in public, just between me and you we have a decent, maybe even supportive relationship...
Well even though I don't like you, your style, or how you choose to do pretty much anything, everyone else does and I'm glad they approve...

But what I have is a bad marriage, and an all to clear view of happy ones to ever be satisfied.

Its funny because you do so much before hand so that you know what to expect in such an important and long term decision and then they flip the script on you, and shrug when you, still in white and holding the bouquet, look around in confusion and ask "what did I just get myself into?"

I want to say that maybe I'm just being overly dramatic but here I'll give you a small glimpse:
Of the five theory people I know including myself (both PhD and MA students):

One is about to defend and graduate. (He's the sole success story I know of)

One is a third year trying to transfer, has already applied to other places, and considering Law School, even though that means she would almost be starting over.

One is considering dropping out, not transferring because she doesnt think she can endure the time she'd have to put in before being able to leave - like finishing this semester.

One (me) has begun what the process to be "on the market" again.

And the last is a Jesuit Priest and due to the school connection pretty much had a Shotgun Wedding, and isn't getting out of anything.



Its alright though. I have no intention of consummating anything and am currently seeking an annulment. I hope all goes as planned, or else I will think nothing of cheating. I'm too close to Northwestern and the University of Chicago to be monogamous in an unhappy relationship.


Glass half full approach: If we don't have things in life we regret, would we have anything to guide us in our future decisions?

Everything all at once:

And if my past is any sign of your future, you should be warned before I let you inside. - John Mayer

If I know I can do something well, but I'm not willing to kill myself to prove it to you, does that mean I shouldn't be doing it? Am I a slacker, or have you made the system so closed that only the fanatical who are going to perpetuate the same near impossible standards can be successful? I really don't know the answer, I've been a slacker near my entire life so doing something different might just offend my sensibilities.

I feel helpless when I'm separated from the people I love. And its not the distance, it’s the inability to be on the same page at the same time. Circumstances, Situations, Trials, Issues, they're all different and its so hard to find the right mood, emotion, empathy, and understanding in the mental rolodex.

Why do pretentious people get on my nerves so much? I understand that they are intelligent, on occasion more so than the rest of us, but Lording it over my head doesn’t help me, and the satisfaction it gives you is empty and base.

It isn't the sheer distance that’s the problem. It isn't not being able to have that daily interaction that’s the problem. It’s the getting used to it. When your mind finally accepts that their absence is the status quo - and you learn to be ok with it, - that’s the sad part, that’s the problem, that’s when you begin to lose them.

I don't want to join a field that I don't feel like I'm a part of. If I have nothing in common with my colleagues then where is my incentive to grow with them?

I am broken. If I find myself in any type of meaningful relationship it will be almost entirely because someone found me and wanted to overcome my barriers for reasons I trust, more than I wanted to push them away - and the chances of that are slim.

Without anyone to bounce my ideas off of, my intellectual growth is completely stunted.

I was OK with being alone until I realized that I no longer feel understood. It isn't physical companionship, its knowing that someone other than you can put up with you - for the long haul.

Why is this Presidential Election a fad? Studying politics when its popular to be political is really nerve-wracking.

You never know what you had until its gone. You never know how much you lost until you're sure you can't have it back.

God I know you're out there, close by even. I'm sorry for all that I've done, but I'm not ready to come back now - I'm not even sure in what capacity I've left.

People will never know how much the little things mean, for good and for bad. I think I'm happy about that.

Its funny, but two ships crossing in the night never to pass again can care about each other to an extent that they don't for those they are "close" to.

I want to change the world, but I don’t think the world can be changed. I want to change my outlook, but its colored by the world it must exist in.

I miss the choir. I don’t think I know how many different ways it was an outlet and how much could build up when it was no longer an option.

The sun can make a lot of things look better.

The night can make a lot of things look clearer.

Me

I want to be honest but I don't think I can be. To be honest I'd have to write the truth and I don't know it. To be sure, there is a truth, but maybe not an accesible one. See, I am not myself. I am two different people, neither of whom want to deal with their existance.

One is melancholy and is characterized by her extreme ability to be stressed without ever actually thinking about the problem. She's the one who can't sleep a full night. She's the one who complains about everything to the extent that she doesn't want to hear herself anymore. She's the one who is sure she's not cut out for anything, while being able to fake the ability to do anything. She's surly, and isolated. She sees the bad before she even knows where she's going. She's the one who is sure she did the thing she had always despised and put her career (or education) before all that she loves and moved away to pursue something that might as well be a hobby since she isnt going to dedicate her life to it. She's the one who feels like because of this she deserves to feel like she's trapped in her own home, like she can't escape from a metropolis she does't fit into, who loves Lake Michigan because it is an expanse where the other side represents away, that mystical land where all of these problems don't exist.

The other, well she's the pretender. She's the witty one who can make all the pain sound like "The Misadventures of..." and make people think her life deserves a television show. She's the one who gets on the telephone and reassures everyone that life is fine, yeah there are the normal upstarts and some unexpected bumps in the road but nothing that a little elbow grease and some time won't solve. She's the go getter, the I know I better have an answer for "fill in blank here" when they call so let me go find out just enough that a little bit of fast talk and changing the topic will solve. She's the I know that people will eventually start to wonder if there are any deeper issues so I will do all that I can to keep the talk just light enough that no one worries and then no one questions. She's the one who can make you laugh and smile, ease your fears, and woo you to go away. She's also the angry one. the one who can keep strangers at a distance with one look and then look her graduate advisor in the eyes and say "Yes, I'm adjusting well." The one who wants to curse everything and rebel against rules she thinks are stupid. That's why she can be so funny, cause all those "jokes" are how she really feels. It takes no extra thought, just a different voice inflection.

These two working together, well they have the wonderful tag teaming ability to push people away while making it seem alright. They have the power to resolve one to get everything finished just to "stick it to those bastards" and at the same time want to walk away while there is still time to keep it from looking like quitting. They can organize a budget just enough to prove there was no budget to organize. They can research just enough to make hours of dedicated effort worthless.

And then there are the memories. They didn't get a persona, a personality. They didn't get a mouth, or even eyes to show emotion. They didn't get hands to gesture or write with. All they have are each other, and their only ability is to remember. And that is exactly what they do. They remember that one person back before I was fractured. They remember when what was said was what was meant. And when daily activities were enjoyable. They remember when a challenge was difficult but welcomed. They remember when academia didn't cause bitterness, but instead growth. And so they huddle together and remember, because that is all memories can do.